This morning I recognized and released some guilt I have been carrying. My big shameful secret is that I don't enjoy being around babies and toddlers. That's not exactly correct; I adore and enjoy them, but I do have a time limit of two hours.
Babies are wonderful miracles, and also cacophonous and stressful. Faced with imminent babies, my stomach knots like a in a gastro-intestinal ad.
This is something I have always thought of as a giant failing on my part. I am, after all, a mother and an aunt - shouldn't I always be maternal and lovey? - but it's just not who I am. It was, however, a guilt albatross I wore for years. I felt selfish and guilty because I had the notion that I should love and adore being with children.
I have never felt so trapped as I did when my kids were little. Being home with small kids gave me the chance to learn patience, and to deal with frustration, but I was often depressed. My attention span and personality type do not lend themselves to long hours spent in company of small children. I don't enjoy not being able to be peaceful, and not being able to complete a thought. Constant interruption is torturous to me.
Today I was able to accept myself around this issue so that I don't feel a "should" or "must". I am now able to admit without embarrassment that I don't like taking care of little ones for more than a few hours because I find it too tiring.
How freeing that is. I'm getting good at being gentle with myself. How nice to forgive myself: what I saw as a weakness to be judged is actually just another truth about my personality. It's part of who I am and now that I have recognized this I can work with it.
originally published on May 1, 2009 on lucindaatwood.com
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