Asking for what we want

I realised today that I have not been asking for what I want. And what's even worse is that I didn't realise it. I thought I was asking clearly for what I wanted. Then I realised that I kept asking for the "I know I don't really deserve what I want, so I'll ask for the next best thing" runner-up to what I really wanted.

I interviewed for a job where I was one of two applicants. They were really stuck; then needed someone to start yesterday, was willing to work temporarily and intelligent enough to be the face of the company, step in where needed and capable enough to pull it off.

My contact had told me it was a part-time job; hours that would suit my lifestyle exactly. In the interview the boss mentioned that it was fulltime. Fulltime for three or four months. Hmm. I'd felt I was giving up a lot taking a two-thirds-time position for three or four months. How did I feel about fulltime?

After a moment's thought I announced I could accept fulltime. But my face was hot and I was anxious. All afternoon I was off and couldn't really get my act together. I stumbled through a staccato of efforts to work, but I couldn't relax either.

Wisely I decided to go do some yoga and stretching. Afterwards, I realised that the fulltime had been bugging me. I am afraid of living frantically, rushing about trying to get places on time and to do all that needs to be done. And I know that fulltime work will preclude my writing and photography and cooking. And that I've worked so hard to build these practices. I don't want to lose them.

Then I realised I had actually been asking for the wrong thing. While I enjoy new experiences, they don't have to be through the employment sphere. What I really want is to be paid - well paid - to write this blog. And my other blogs, and for my photos and maybe even my paintings. What I really want is to be paid for what I already do.

Now I can ask for that. I ask not for a job, because I don't want one, but for abundant material support for what I do. That the universe will want to support someone spending time with her kids, thinking and translating new ideas, making great food and teaching others to do the same, living easily and well. I want my beliefs to be supported by the universe with abundance and good humour.

This is why I love getting older - the insight and discernment with which we can view our circumstances. The clarity I can bring to my life.

Letting Go

I had lunch with a friend today. As we caught up, she told me of her successes - a nice day with her hubby, a school solution for her troubled teenager, and managing her work load.

She looked fantastic - very relaxed - and her manner supported it. Her life is not that different than a few weeks ago, when she was stressed, but now she is relaxed, confident and positive.

She says it came from letting go - from finding a long-term solution to a chronic problem, to not taking on every project at work, and making clear boundaries with those projects she does take on, to honoring her body by making time to run and eat well.

It's easy to take on too much, and to take responsibility for too much. Because she can do it easily, she takes on every project offered. Because her son is dear to her, she takes on his happiness an her own. She has been trying to arrange, fix, or do everything for everybody. Typical woman, typical mother.

But what made her analysis so interesting is that she recognized her own part in it. She admitted the incredible ego stroking you get from being the centre of everything; indispensable, irreplaceable, and how hard that is to let go of.

And that when you do let go, there is so much freedom - more time, more energy for oneself and other relationships, and emotional lightening.

It takes a lot of trust to be able to let the world include you without needing to do so. Or trusting that you will always be wanted, even if you're not needed. That they will need you for your love, not because you know where the socks are.