The idea of filling up

I have a mother who cooks, cleans, and irons to show love; a husband who buys electronics and performs home renovations; and a friend who gives plants. (Lucky me, a lot of people in my life show love through giving me food :)

Initially, when I was much younger, I didn't understand and didn't see those actions as valid expressions of love. In my mind, you had to say the words. Non-verbal expression didn't count.

As I matured, I began to see that not everyone expresses love or other emotions, in words. Maturing some more, I began to understand then finally accept it.

Now I am learning to express in actions - something I previously thought incorrect and unenlightened. But if you're going to be expending this "I love you" energy, someone might as well get a clean bathroom out of it. (My ex cleaned the bathrooms every day - something I did not appreciate at the time, and now sorely miss.)

I enjoy the un-awkwardness of depositing a small herb in someone's hand and not making a big deal out of it. Yeah, I love you, we all know that, let's move on.

I was thinking about this while surveying the bathroom vanity. We have less storage than the previous house, so I am learning how to make things fit. I decided that eliminating costco runs for toothpaste, shampoo etc, would decrease the amount I have to store; that it's more efficient to buy one tube at a time. Yes, over the consumption of ten tubes, we would save four dollars but really, it's worth two dollars a year to not have to store it.

And I wondered why having all that stuff had seemed so important before. Before the move and before the divorce. Nowadays I'm perfectly happy to buy one thing at a time. Before, the idea of 'having a supply of everything' was a sort of sense of having it all, and being complete, and being safe.

I realised that I have been buying in bulk for a sense of providing for my family. It's the same motivation as when you overeat. To make me and them feel warm and comforted.

So I've change my "I love you/providing for my family" actions from consumerism, to creating with my kids. Time spent in an activity together, in an as egalitarian manner as possible, really says I love you.

Refinding myself

Now that I'm over the stress of reaching my forties (just in time to face my fifties!), I'm starting to calm down, relax and accept.

I no longer feel the need to accelerate my career, in fact, to be honest, I don't want a career. It's a relief to admit that my work doesn't have a lot to do with money-acquisition.

I need to do my work to be happy, and I need to acquire money, but the two are not necessarily related. I have no interest in climbing a career ladder or defining myself by my job title.

I'm also relieved by giving up the need to get ahead - the never-ending quest that so preoccupied my thoughts when I was career-oriented. I wanted more money, more power, more respect.

By finding respect and rewards within myself, as I matured, I also gave up the need for external validation. In Wayne Dyer's words, I gave up the need for the good opinion of others.

Freedom from social and career pressure makes me so much more relaxed! I now work when, where and how I want, wear what pleases me, and don't worry what the neighbors say.

I think being able to give trying to please others is one reason mid-life women are so relaxed! We've followed our dreams to the end of their rainbows, found success in one form or another, and learned to depend on ourselves. All the people-pleasing that seemed so important in our twenties and thirties now falls away as learn to please ourselves.

The magic of liberation!